Mark Twain said, “Those of you who are inclined to worry have the widest selection in history.” Why complain? Try to do something about it – you know, it’s [been] goin’ on nine months now, since I decided that I was gonna declare that I am a candidate for the presidency of the United States. Oh yes, I’m going to run.
Shopped around for a party. Well, I looked at the Republicans. Decided talking to a conservative is like talking to your refridgerator. You know, the light goes on, the light goes off, it’s not gonna do anything that isn’t built into it. But I’m not gonna talk to a conservative any more than I talk to my damn refridgerator. Working for the Democratic party, now, that’s kind of like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.
So I created my own party: it’s called the Sloth and Indolence Party. I’m running as an anarchist candidate in the best sense of that word. I’ve studied the presidency carefully. I have seen that our best presidents were the do- nothing presidents: Millard Fillmore, Warren G. Harding. When you have a president who does things we are all in serious trouble. If he does anything at all: if he gets up at night to go to the bathroom, somehow, mystically, trouble will ensue.
I guarantee that if I am elected, I will take over the White House, hang out, shoot pool, scratch my ass, and not do a damn thing.
Which is to say: if you want something done, don’t come to me do it for you, you gotta get together and figure out how to do it yourselves. Is that a deal?
And today, on Black Friday, I honor his spirit. Be a bum for a day. Realize that the most toxic, destructive, and bloody thing on the planet today is the Consumer Culture. And take today to discover how you can have more fun by not buying into that consumer dream. Eat your leftovers. Take a walk. Have a snowball fight. Knit a pair of socks. Begin gathering stories to give as presents this Christmas. Organize a barter economy. Do a seed-swap. Learn about wild foods in your area. Sleep. Make love. Stand on your head. Today, I’m giving you some funky old music. Do what you want with it!